It's Been a Hard Weekend

I went through something this weekend I hope no one has to go through in their lifetime. A good friend of mine is suffering from depression and she is acting out in ways I will never understand. Her inward pain is so deep that she needs to inflict her pain outwardly. This cry for help was not ignored. Her mental recovery will be long and tedious but she is lucky to have so many people that love her and want what is best for her.
With her mother in town for a few days, my role as "deciding adult" is taken care of. It isn't on my shoulders anymore, I don't have to decide what is best for her, I get to be the friend that listens and provides a safe environment for recovery. I can't tell you how scared I was and now how relieved I am that I did the right thing and that she will be alright.

Where Do I Find the Time?

I've been working so hard to financially "stay afloat" that I barely have time to even sleep! Let me just fill you in on my typically week.

• Monday 7:30 a.m.- 2:30 p.m. teaching the Comets over at the day care. Come home and try to either walk, run, or do sit ups until it's time for my night class. Artist Management class from 6-9p.m. and then I come home and do homework until my eyes don't stay open anymore.
• Tuesday/Thursday 9:40- 11:00 a.m. I'm in Copyright Law class desperately taking notes. After that class I usually go home and do homework, clean, nap, or run errands. Then I'm back at school for my accounting class at 2:40 which is really a joke because I think I would get the same grade whether I went to class or not. After that torture I stay on campus and do home work for my night class. Tuesday nights I have Public Relations class and on Thursday nights I have Media Writing. Both classes require a LOT of writing.
• Wednesday/Friday 7:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. I'm back with the angels making paper puppets or cotton ball snow men. Once I leave there I usually ran home to change and go to Outback for job #2 of the day. I usually stay there until about 11 p.m. I, of course, crash the second I get home.
• Saturday and Sunday should be relaxing but not for me! I work a double both days and try to wake up early to squeeze in some homework.

Yes staying busy keeps me more focused, but it also runs me crazy! Spring break is in two weeks and I keep hearing about all the wonderful places everyone is planning to go. White sandy beaches and beautiful blue water....While I told me boss at the day care and Out back that I can work every day that week! :o( I'm hoping that I can make some extra money while everyone else is having a well deserved vacation. It will all pay off eventually...Right?

Stand Back Up

I know I put song lyrics on here all the time but I'm a musician and I can't help but see my life in songs. This song jumped out at me because I feel like there are people that don't expect me to make it out here. I feel like they support my efforts but they are just getting ready to console me when I run home with my tail between my legs. I don't care if I have to take out three loans and go into credit card debt, I'm not going home. And for those that find it easy to pick on a girl when she's down I only have this to say:

Artist/Band: Sugarland
Lyrics for Song: Stand Back Up
Lyrics for Album: Twice the Speed of Life

Go ahead and take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,

I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,

I may stumble, yeah I might fall, Only human aren't we all

I might lose my way, but hear me when I say, I will stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,

Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised, I've been kicked right off my shoes,

Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,

When the darkness tries to get me, Theres a light that just won't let me,

It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms, But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,

What don't kill you makes you stronger, When I take my last breath,

that's when I'll just give up, So,

go ahead to take your best shot, Let 'era rip, give it all you've got,

You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

cause I'll stand back up, And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,

Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when ive had enough,

Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,

But I'll stand back up.

She talks about darkness not getting her down. Darkness is her depression, her own ego and her fear. I won't let those things beat me either. Some days the fear of money gets to me so much that I literally freak out. I never even had a credit card until I got out of college because I didn't want to have debt. Now I'm seriously thinking about taking out another loan just so I don't have to work THREE jobs! Katie and I are already looking at much cheaper apartments for next year, hopefully that will help. I can finally turn in my in-state tuition request (had to be living here eight months first) so that's one more thing that should help.

I changed my room around today. For anyone that knows me that is a good sign. It is a "rebirth" and a huge effort to have a different outlook. My hands are still throbbing from moving my heavy bedroom furniture by myself. I was going to go to the gym this afternoon, but I think I've lifted enough for today!

My New Awesome Friend

Ms. Jessica is from Memphis, Tenn. and lives in the apartment complex in front of mine. I love it because I get to see her just about everyday. She and I met at Outback, she is a server as well, and we hit it off right away. Ever since I went back to work after Christmas we have been talking, and as of three weeks ago, we are inseparable. Bad news is, she will be moving back to Memphis this summer to finish dental school. I know she and I will do the best with the time we have, but I've started to lean on her so much when Katie, my roommate and only real friend, was highly involved with her band and was never here. This is a little bit about her.
"My name is Jessica, and I am 20 years old. I've lived in the 'Boro for a little over a year. I'm not taking any classes this semester, I'm working instead. I'm a pre-dental major, and I'll be done with school in 2012. I have a puppy named Camille, she's really sweet. A lot of work, but still sweet. I work at Outback Steakhouse as a server and Pottery Barn. My family still lives in Memphis, and I'm moving back there in June. The 'Boro is great, but I want to be closer to my family, and I have to go back for dental school anyway. I plan on tearing it up my last few months here! "

Last night she was my wine partner and we fell asleep watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Tonight I'm working for her so she can have a Valentine's date with her boyfriend. I hope you can check out her site and say a little hello.

Valentine's Day

I haven't met a man yet who has done Valentine's Day like the men in the movies do. I know it is a Hallmark holiday, but I still like it. I was supposed to have a dinner date last Saturday that was going to be close to a Valentine's date, but by the time he and I got together, it was past dinner time. Sunday night he met a few of my friends and I realized that there are some people that you just can't put in the same room together. Last night we had plans to see each other one last time before he went back on tour with Bon Jovi. I was excited to have a Valentine's date....but no. We watched Law & Order until he fell asleep around 11:30. I got a few hugs, but not even a kiss! I have to say I was disappointed. If I ever said anything to him about this he would just say, “well you could have taking any kisses you wanted.” He misses the point. I don’t want to have to take anything. Here is the question though. I know him well enough already to know that he is just the kind of guy that is really honest and doesn't play games. I would not have been there if he didn't want me there. BUT I also know myself well enough to know that that just isn't good enough! He and I joke about this. He said "How close do you expect a relationship to be to perfect?" I said "97%" Is that outrageous? Are my expectations just too high? Even though I know he cares about me and I know that in his mind things are right on course for a new relationship, but if he doesn't act or react the way I expect my "future husband" to, what do I do? He is older than me and won't change his ways and I don't have time to train him anyway. So does that mean I have to walk away? I always walk away. For once I'd like to actually just date and not over think all this! I guess I’m just not built that way.
It's fucking Valentine's Day and I got a shit load of candy, cards and even flowers from my comets (that's the name of the three year old room) but not even a "Happy Valentine's Day" from Bon Jovi guy. He does have a name, but I think he'd prefer if I didn't use it. I sometime feel bad for guys on this holiday, but I think it is really simple. Just get some flowers, a nice card and give her a damn kiss and you'll be set! Anything beyond that is awesome but not necessary. We just want to feel special! Girls do have some obligation today. My first long term boyfriend, Dave, and I started dating right before Valentine's Day so I couldn't get him anything really lovie dovie so I got him a six pack of beer with a red bow and Camel cigarettes attached to a card. He loved it! (What does that tell you about him??? )
Anyway I think we need to remember what this holiday is about. I asked my comets what we were supposed to do today and after a few very WRONG answers (which included dressing up like batman and blowing out candles on a cake) we finally got to the RIGHT answer. Today we are supposed to tell the people close to us that we love them and appreciate them. So, I love all of you that read my blog and truly care about my success out here. I really don't know if I would wake up some days without you. This is what this gay ass holiday should be about (but flowers would be nice too).

Week Three with the 3 year olds

Working with three year olds has proven to be very entertaining. In my class of 18 kids and just us two adults, things do tend to get a little crazy. Mondays are usually the worst since the kids have been at home and away from our rules. The percentage of time-outs is higher and nap time is usually extended due to bad behavior. By Friday though, the kids are sharing more, using their words to express feelings, and generally saying "thank you" and "excuse me." It is also very clear why I can't get over my cold.

On Monday, Nathan was in time-out at the teacher table. He was fake crying so we paid him no attention. Finally I did happen to look at him and I saw the most disgusting thing I think I may have ever witnessed. His head was inches away from the table and he was pulling long strings of snot out of his nose and making a pile of it on the table. When I called his name to get him to stop he looked up at me with snot falling out of his nose and gliding off his fingers. I nearly said "What the Hell are you doing you nasty kid?" but instead I calmly told him to get a tissue and never play with his snot again! I had to then clean him and the table.
If that wasn't enough, we have a delightful young girl named Nicole. I guess her parents have decided that verbal skills are not that important. All she knows how to do is point, grunt, and cry. We are constantly telling her to use her words to express her feelings because without them we can't help her. Well she woke up from her nap but stayed face down on her mat. She started crying and grunting but we had no idea what the problem was. Finally I picked her up to try to calm her down and I realized what the problem was. She had forgotten to get up to use the bathroom. This wasn't just number 1! So I had to find some clean clothes and clean her off. I was so grossed out. When my nieces were younger I had no problem changing even the dirtiest of diapers, but I guess since these kids are not related to me and since they are at an age that this shouldn't be an issue, I'm completely grossed out. Even when the kids call me in the bathroom to help them wipe after a messy number 2, I am somewhat disgusted. I guess this is motivation to not stay in childcare my whole life.
They do have their moments when they completely impress me though. Last Friday I was the head teacher and everything went so smoothly. We talked about manors and sharing. I complimented the kids whenever they did anything well and I wrote notes home to their parents about their successful day. When the afternoon teacher came to take my place, the kids all hugged me and said they loved me and would miss me. I left with a very big smile on my face. So this job has it's moments of disgust and pure love, but I still would never make this my full time career.