Love vs. Companionship

I remember the first time I brought a boyfriend home to meet my grandmother. I was a sophomore in college and Dave had been my boyfriend for nearly eight months. Nana and I never got along when I was growing up, mainly because I had a temper and she wanted me to be just like my two skinny blonde sisters. But that day she sat me down and asked me if I was serious about this guy. At the time I really thought I was. She said to me that I was at an age that I needed to date a few men at a time. To her that means allow them to take me to dinner or a movie, but nothing physical. At the time I thought she was nuts. I wanted to have one boyfriend and not worry about it anymore. I didn’t want to look any longer. But she was right! Every man I have chosen to have a relationship with, whether long term or short, brought me closer to understanding myself and what I want in a future husband. I have been blessed to have remarkable men in my past and I hope they know what gifts they have brought to my life.

But relationships do end! There is a distinct moment when a decision must be made about the future of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they start to learn all the surface level information. Then they spend a tremendous about of time together because they are still learning, still laughing, and still wanting each other. Things haven’t become routine yet and there most likely hasn’t been a fight. But eventually you peel off a few more layers and either find a more wonderful partner, or you find what I call “red flags.” “Red Flags” are signs I’ve already learned from previous failed relationships. For example, being controlling, overly jealous, untrustworthy, unmotivated, negative or uninspiring. When I see these red flags I usually try to ignore them at first because they aren’t important enough to end a relationship over. Eventually though, those little things eat at you and multiply. Then you must be honest with yourself and your partner, and stop things before people get really hurt. That’s hard sometimes because the comfort and friendship is the hardest to give up. To not have someone to call before you go to bed every night, and to not have someone care when you get off work or even if you’re sick. Yes, it’s hard to give that up…but that’s not love….that’s companionship. I don’t know a cure for that except to busy yourself with things that make you proud of you. I speak from experience. I have put a man through hell, because I couldn’t let go of his friendship and he didn’t want to let go of his love for me. It wasn’t until recently that I finally told him he was right, that we couldn’t be friends. I hadn’t been fair to him and all I could do now was walk away and let him build a solid loving relationship with someone else. When we were in junior high we could remain friends with Ex-Boyfriends, but too much hope and trust is put into relationships at our age, and therefore it’s usually too painful to remain friends. My point in all this is that we can’t allow a partner to stay in our lives merely because we don’t want to be alone. Be honest with yourself and respect when others are doing the same.