Life Isn't

Life isn't about keeping score.

It's not about how many friends you have

Or how accepted tou are.

Not about if you have plans thei weekend or if you're alone

It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date, how many people you've dated,

or if you haven't been with anyone at all.

It isn't about who you have kissed,

It's not about sex.

It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have,

Or what kind of car you drive,

Or where you are sent to school.

It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are,

Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to.

It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown

Or if your skin is too light or too dark.

Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are,

Or how smart standardized tests say you are.

It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport.

It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you."

LIFE JUST ISN'T

But, life is about who you love and who you hurt.

It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.

It's about keeping or betraying trust.

It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.

It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, .amybe heartening.

ABout starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.

It's about what judgments you pass and why.

AND WHO YOUR JUDGMENTS HURT

%3

Love vs. Companionship

I remember the first time I brought a boyfriend home to meet my grandmother. I was a sophomore in college and Dave had been my boyfriend for nearly eight months. Nana and I never got along when I was growing up, mainly because I had a temper and she wanted me to be just like my two skinny blonde sisters. But that day she sat me down and asked me if I was serious about this guy. At the time I really thought I was. She said to me that I was at an age that I needed to date a few men at a time. To her that means allow them to take me to dinner or a movie, but nothing physical. At the time I thought she was nuts. I wanted to have one boyfriend and not worry about it anymore. I didn’t want to look any longer. But she was right! Every man I have chosen to have a relationship with, whether long term or short, brought me closer to understanding myself and what I want in a future husband. I have been blessed to have remarkable men in my past and I hope they know what gifts they have brought to my life.

But relationships do end! There is a distinct moment when a decision must be made about the future of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they start to learn all the surface level information. Then they spend a tremendous about of time together because they are still learning, still laughing, and still wanting each other. Things haven’t become routine yet and there most likely hasn’t been a fight. But eventually you peel off a few more layers and either find a more wonderful partner, or you find what I call “red flags.” “Red Flags” are signs I’ve already learned from previous failed relationships. For example, being controlling, overly jealous, untrustworthy, unmotivated, negative or uninspiring. When I see these red flags I usually try to ignore them at first because they aren’t important enough to end a relationship over. Eventually though, those little things eat at you and multiply. Then you must be honest with yourself and your partner, and stop things before people get really hurt. That’s hard sometimes because the comfort and friendship is the hardest to give up. To not have someone to call before you go to bed every night, and to not have someone care when you get off work or even if you’re sick. Yes, it’s hard to give that up…but that’s not love….that’s companionship. I don’t know a cure for that except to busy yourself with things that make you proud of you. I speak from experience. I have put a man through hell, because I couldn’t let go of his friendship and he didn’t want to let go of his love for me. It wasn’t until recently that I finally told him he was right, that we couldn’t be friends. I hadn’t been fair to him and all I could do now was walk away and let him build a solid loving relationship with someone else. When we were in junior high we could remain friends with Ex-Boyfriends, but too much hope and trust is put into relationships at our age, and therefore it’s usually too painful to remain friends. My point in all this is that we can’t allow a partner to stay in our lives merely because we don’t want to be alone. Be honest with yourself and respect when others are doing the same.

I Want them to know their Mother

On August 4th, 2000 I decided to write my to-be-children a letter. I wanted to write about myself at age 20, so that I can remember what I knew I could do at that age and to encourage them to see what they can do. I've decided that I want to write another letter, since so much has happened since then. These are a few highlights from the first letter.

I have picked your names and I envisioned your births. My body after twenty years is energetic, carefree, and full of passion. I dream all that I can and execute all that I dare. I'm at a rest stop in my life. I have the tools to complete my journey, an apartment, a car, excellent education, and support from both you grandparents and my lovely friends, but I have a long quest ahead of me. At this point I have plans to complete my undergraduate in music education at Towson, and then go on to graduate school in the Tennessee or Boston area.
I wish I could tell you that I have already met your father and that I have known him for years. I wish I could tell you we are already thinking about you, but it seems as though I am having a hard time finding a man that is living up to our standards. I decided to write this letter for a few reasons. I'd like you to understand your mother, and I want to remember how I was when you reach this age. I'll rememeber that you are adults, not children. I'll remember how independent I felt and how confident in my dreams I was. My one goal for you all is that you will never back down from your dreams.
My dear children...I give you all of me. Every smile I smile is given to you to ensure your life-long happiness. Every tear I cry, I cry so you will cry one less. Every time doors are closed in my face I will fight to make sure they are open when you cross through them. Every harsh reality I experience, I welcome it to prolong your innocence. Every note, rhythm, melody, and song I produce will be inspired by your tender heats. Promise me you will love and respect each other long after I'm gone. Promise me you will support and counsel one another and more than aything, promise me you will follow your dreams!

That was actually the very condensed version! I can't wait to write another chapter to this letter. I think it's important that my children know how it felt to move out here and how I actually succeded without too much heartache. I only wish I knoew what my mother was thinking when she went to the convent!

My First Day with 3 Year Olds

Yesterday was a crappy day here in Tennessee. It was rainy and absolutely nasty. I made it to the day care at 7:30 in the morning and the kids were wide awake and ready to go. The teacher I am replacing was there walking me through the day. We have 18 kids total in the class and these kids range from absolutely adorable and pretty horrible. There were two that I knew immediately would be a problem, Mr. Locus and Ms. MaKayla. They fight with the other kids every chance they get and unfortunately I think the other kids have been allowed to constantly wine so there is a huge scene every time misbehaver happens. I know that I will be a bit tougher on these kids than the last teacher, but I have know doubt they will love me for it.
I was there five hours yesterday and I found that everything we did took more time to prepare than the actual event. It took us 30 minutes to get ready for morning snack, then 20 minutes to prepare for circle time, 45 minutes to clean up for lunch, and 45 minutes to settle down for nap time. That's two and a half hours just getting ready for things! I guess I'll get used to it, but I really felt like the time flew but we hardly accomplished anything!
Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved every second of being with these kids. They remind me to look at the world in a much more creative way. You can't just ask 3 years olds to stay quite, you have to give them something more interesting to listen to. I enjoy the challenge and love the affection. Wednesday I will be there the full 8 hours so I wonder how I'll feel about things then. :o)

My addiction

During my winter break a friend recommended that I rent a season of the show 24. I knew my sister was really into the show so I figured it was a good choice. Little did I know that I would become addicted to Jack Bauer! I rented the forth season thinking it was the first and got through all 24 episodes in two days. I ran out to the movie store in the middle of the night to rent the first season. Three days later I was back to rent the second. I'm now half way through the third season and the fifth season just aired last Sunday. I think I'm going to wait for the fifth season so come out on DVD because it's a lot easier to watch the show with no commercials. If you doing know anything about this show you are really missing out on what I think is the most innovating shows on television.
My sister is a huge Survivor fan so I bet she knows what it's like to actually have dreams about the show (or maybe that's because I watched so many episodes in one day). What other shows are you addicted to?

Wasted

I got this CD for Christmas and I can't stop listening to it. The first track is called Wasted. I want you all to read the first verse and chorus...I love it.

Standin' at the back door, she tried to make it fast. One tear hit the hardwood it felt like broken glass. She said sometimes love slips away and you just can't get it back, Let's face it. For one split second she almost turned around but that would be like pouring rain drops back into a cloud. So she took another step, said I see the way out and I'm going to take it. I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting to wake up one day and find that I let all these years pass by...Wasted.

This is the second song on the CD and in some ways it's even better.

Don't Forget to Remember Me

18 years have come and gone For momma they flew by But for me they just drug on We were loading up that Chevy Both tryin' not to cry Momma kept on talking Putting off good-bye Then she took my hand and said Baby don't forget Before you hit the highway You better stop for gas There's a 50 in ashtray In case you run short on cash Here's a map and here's a bible If you ever loose your way Just one more thing before you leave Don't forget to remember me This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home and those bills there on the counter Remind me I'm on my own And just like every Sunday I called momma up last night And even when it's not, I tell her everything's alright Before we hung up I said Hey momma, don't forget to tell my baby sister I'll see her in the fall And tell mee-mal that I miss her Yeah, I should give her a call And make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl Yeah I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be Don't forget to remember me Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray I haven't done this in a while So I don't know what to say but Lord I feel so small some times in this big ol' place I know there are more important things, but Don't forget to remember me Don't forget to remember me

This is one of those CDs that you can just put on repeat in your CD player. I wake up, get ready for school/work, and even fall alseep to this CD. It's worth investing in.

Where Do I Even Begin?

I know it's been a long time since I written in my blog, but I decided to take care of a few things before I posted some updates. Since I've last posted, some awesome things have happened. Going home for Christmas taught me that I truly adore my mother. I spent most of my time with her and literally loved every second. We went out to eat, went shopping and stayed in to watch Lifetime movies. I even got to spend some quality time with my Nana, which I usually avoid (since our history isn't the greatest) but I actually enjoyed listening to all of her stories.
It's becoming more and more obvious to me that I belong here. Yes, going home and visiting is nice, but I'm making it work here. Monday was AM's birthday and just calling didn't feel like enough. She and I usually go out to brunch or go out for drinks, and not being there to share the day was a little sad. But again, I really feel like this was the right move.
The first day of the Spring semester was Tuesday and I actually had friends on campus! I ran into at least seven people that I knew from work or other classes and for the first time I didn't feel so lonely and friendless. That's important to me since I have ALWAYS had plenty of friends. I guess it just takes while. My self esteem is getting back on track and has helped me relax and make better friends and get more stuff done. This is what I have accomplished in a month.

1. I was granted Candidacy! So now I'm able to in enrolled in upper division classes like copyright Law, Artist Management, PR communications, Media Writing and Accounting. What a spring semester this will be!
2. I finally got another job! I will be starting some time next week at Small Wonders child care center as a teacher in the 3 year old room. I'm so excited to work with kids again.
3. For my PR class we have to find a nonprofit agency and represent them this semester. My duties will include providing them with Press Releases, Privacy Release forms, and any other basic PR work. I called the Domestic Violence Program here in Rutherford county and I have a meeting with them tomorrow to discuss the PR direction we will taking with their company! I'm completely thrilled!

I'm starting to feel like a completely different person. I'm becoming...Excited about school and the career it will lead me to. Every class I sit in this semester I wonder if this is the field I'll really take an interest in ( except for Accounting). I can't wait until Monday night when I have my Artist management class and if you have any Copyright questions, my professor literally wrote the book on it. We will be briefing cases this semester and will be treated like first year law students.

With Katie living with me, my new job and no more car payments, I really think I'll be ok financially. In May I could work full time at the Day Care and full time at Outback...Then I'd make some serious money. So...I think the stressful and emotional adjustment period is coming to a close and now I'm just thrilled about why I'm here and I literally run home to do homework. That will probably wear off though.