How We Get Through a Friday Morning!

This is my coffee drink selection, I have gotten to the point where I pretty much need it in the morning!
Apparently I am not the only one that loves the Starbucks doubleshot energy coffee. David likes the Mocha, I'm a Vanilla girl.

Jessica likes her Starbucks as well but it looks like she is drinking it from a bucket! That's seriously the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen!I love
Shannon's picture. not only does she need a whole POT but the counter is lined with Vodka bottles. That might be why she needs the whole pot! :)Well happy Friday everyone. Hope you have a great weekend!

Moms Have That Way About Them!

My mother and I decided that we needed to have a set night to chat every week so that we can stay current on everything that is going on in our lives. Thank God we have this arrangement.
In the past I have had a bad habit of not telling my mother and sisters any personal details about my life that I feared they would question me on or disapprove of (LONG STORY). I can admit the issues with that plan and even offer the excuses as to why I do it, but it will always be a battle of trust for me to completely open up to them. But last night I had an amazing mother daughter talk that really helped....really. My relationship with my mother as always been a strong one. We are so much alike on so many levels that she has always been a friend I can trust to have my best interest at heart without judging me or looking down on me for bad decisions.
I have been in a "relationship" for a little over a year that I have not talked to my family a lot about because I knew they would not fully approve. Bottom line is, I love him, but as my mother and I talked about at length I have to make sure he loves me enough to put me first. That is a question I have to ask him when he visits Murfreesboro in three weeks to sell his house. He took a job in North Carolina and has been gone since late July. Our relationship has kind of been in limbo and I keep going back and forth from feeling guilty and committed and free and single.
Without going into extensive details about how hard this all is for me I'll keep this blog about my mother. What an amazing gift she is to my life. She has a look and even a tone I can pick up over the phone that makes my defenses melt and my core deep feelings are safe to slide out. That is a gift that good mothers never misuse. I see this quality in my sister as well. She is blessed to have a similar relationship with her daughter. The love and trust that is built between such a delicate relationship starts from childhood and is nurtured and mastered as both mothers and daughters grow older. I know that not every daughter has a mother like my nieces and myself, which makes me see to true gift in it. Mom, thank you for being there last night and not letting me sweep these feelings under the rug anymore.

My first Road Trip

I will be leaving tomorrow morning to head slightly north to Knoxville to visit a famous club called Cotton Eyed Joe. I will be meeting the owner, DJ and staff as well as taking lots of pictures and videos. When I'm not "working" my butt will be LINE DANCING! I tell you all about it when I get back!

Gross Way to Start the Day

So I ride with a carpool every day to work to help with the cost of gas. The two guys I drive with don't work in my office, they work down the street but are really great guys. I actually took over for Jon when he changed jobs. Jon and I get a long very well and he is a cool guy. He and his wife are from Virginia and were music majors so we have a lot in common. The other guy is also very nice but SMELLS! This morning was the worst! From the second I got in the car I smelled it and did not know how I was going to make it the 45 minute drive into the city. I sat in the back seat with my jean jacket over my month breathing in the scent of my dryer sheet instead of the BUTT smell that filled the jeep! About 20 minutes in, that wasn't good enough so I had to crack the window. I wanted to throw my head out the window like my puppy and just taste clean air. This is the smelly guy!

Suffering from a Case of the Mondays!

Oh Mondays are the death of me! The list to the left is my call/email sheet for the day. The additional had written list is other tasks that I need to do today. Why is it that Monday, the one day of the week I really don't want to be at work, I have the most to do? I think it is evil how that worked out.
This week will be all about finding NEW clients. I start traveling this weekend and I MUST increasing our billing to pay for all the trips I've booked. So if you know of a brand new country dance song that has not been released to radio yet, let me know ASAP!
This is my breakfast of champions since I
have not yet gone to the store. I guess I should
go head and add that to my "To Do" list for the
day! :)
It ended up being a busier weekend than I thought, so grocery shopping was put on the back burner. My roommate's sister got married on Saturday and since I have become part of the family I had a lot to do! I was mostly the father of the brides personal assist. Everything from helping him pick up the beer keg foe the reception to putting on his cuff links! But I have to admit, I love being considered part of the family and I love having a father figure around.
This is where the wedding was held...beautiful right? I wish I had a picture of Stacy's dress....it was gorgeous. Her bridesmaids dresses were chocolate and campaign just like my sister's were back in July. Guess that's the "in" colors this year!
Well I better get back to work, I have a long list to get through!

The Adventure has Proven to be a SUCCESS

After two and a half years of working two jobs and going to school I was finally offered a job in the music industry. It wasn't a job I thought I ever wanted or even knew existed for that matter, but it was a foot in the door with a great company that I was NOT going to pass up. I've spent the last almost six months learning the best ways to do my job. It is an ever evolving adventure full of opportunities for me to think outside the box!
This is a picture of me when I got my business cards! I'm sitting at my new desk where I have since then taken a LOT of pictures.

I have been writing a blog on my MYSPACE page for the last two years but now that EVERYONE I know is a "friend" on there I have had to sensor most of my blogs. I know that Ex-boyfriends and mere acquaintances are able to view my page and I feel like it has become away to keep tabs on people. That is not the reason I started writing. I wanted a place where I can vent, seek advice, and be creative so I think I'll spend a little more time in your company instead.

Dart Masters

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend. Jessica came to visit from Memphis on Friday. When she got into twon, she met me at work. She, Jackie and I went out to Coconut Bay and had a few drinks. We just laughed and talked all night. A few other friends from work met us and we all laughed and even danced a bit. Since I didn't have dinner and don't drink like I used too, the night ended when I started to feel sick. :o(

Saturday, Jessica met me at work and we had dinner together and then got into Nashville around midnight. This was the first time I could take her to ALL the bars in Nashville since she finally turned 21 in August. We went to our favorite few bars and met some interesting people (that's for sure). I guess there was a computer software convention in Nashville this week because those were the only people we met.

Sunday we slept in late and just did laundry until around 5 when we met Jackie for dinner at Bonefish. I love my Outback discount! We stayed up there for a few hours until I had to go to our Pre-concert rehearsal at school. I was sure I was going to be the most overdressed person on stage, but I love dressing up for concerts and, well I looked good! Jessica and Jackie came to my concert. It was really nice to play in front of an audience again. Unfortunately I'm sick so I coughed through one piece. :o( Oh well! It happens.

After the concert, and after I changed, we went to play darts at the corner bar that everyone goes to. Jackie and I started playing doubles with two regulars and we got HOOKED! We were throwing really well and having a lot of fun. Unfortunately Jackie and her partner won four out of five games. My partner and I played well and had a blast.

Life is back to normal now though. Jessica left yesterday and I have work and school. Thursday in Open House at the day care so I get to decorate the room real nice and spend time with all the parents. It should be nice.

I Guess I Knew it Would Happen

Current mood: optimistic
Now that I'm getting older, it's about that time when past lovers will be moving on and marrying. I don't know why it hurts women so much when their Ex's get married before them. Maybe there is a part of me that expects him to love me forever, even though I moved out here and left him. Maybe it's because I think I should marry first. I left him for a better life and at this point I don't know if this is a better life, just a different one that I'm more proud of. He is marrying the one person that I really don't like. We let her live with us when she was down on her luck, and Bren got her a job at his work. I guess that's where it all started. At that time I thought I'd be marrying him, but as it turned out, that's where he MET his wife. That sure will be an interesting story to tell the grand kids. :o)
So it's time to erase his number from my phone, e-mail from my address book, and pictures from my computer. I haven't spoken with him since last December so there is really no need for all that information anyway. I guess I just kept it, just in case he needed me or I needed him. But even in my lowest state last year I knew he was not the one to call. So what was I saving it for? The history we had maybe? Who knows?

On a lighter note, here are some weekly updates.
1. Keep my friend Amy in your prayers, he lost her Grandfather the other day. I love you sweet heart and will call you today.
2. Jessica Braley is coming to visit next week, I'm really excited.
3. My first orchestra concert is next sunday (the 22nd). I'm excited to play in front of an audience again. If you are free, I'd love it if you came to see me.
4. I got a B on my promotions test and on my Legal Problems test. Good Job!
That might be it. :o)
5. I'm going out to dinner with Crystal from the daycare today and then Karaoke tonight. Good Times!

Everything Has Changed

It has been a year and two months since I moved to Tennessee. I have to say that I have been through a lot of growing up. I started off by trying disparately to have friends and men. That crashed and burned. Then I had a burst of self motivation and finished the first semester with flying colors and landed an OK job teaching at the day care. I met a great friend and started to center my life around school and just taking things one day at a time. I was still losing the fight in retaining my self worth. I ate a lot! I don't know it if was comfort food, stress, or just cause I had a friend to eat with. But none the less....It took over.
Then the summer came. It was time for family vacation. I went into the week pretty confident. I thought this year my life was on the track that the family had agreed was the path for me so I thought I was in the clear. I guess your loved ones see things differently than you do. To spare you the details, I saw things very differently that week. I was very proud of the way I stayed calm but still expressed my self as clearly as I could. I stayed away from hurtful words since I knew it would not help. My uncertain future was in the spotlight and I've thought long and hard about how I feel about that. I can't tell you that I know where my life will take me in the next few years. I'm not sure if moving here wasn't a HUGE mistake, and I'm not sure if moving here taught me exacting what I needed to learn to be successful down the road. What I am sure of is that I'm proud of myself. I have enough money to pay off my debt, pay rent, have a semi-boring social life and put a little in savings. I have enough friends to support my semi-boring social life and I LOVE what I'm learning as a student and as a teacher. To all of those people who think you MUST have a solid grip on your life plan, I say, If that works for you, then go with it but don't knock down this dreamer.
I register for an internship next month, and hopefully the resent project I have undertaken (which I choose to not mention until it is 100% successful) will be 75% complete. I also have been singing a lot more. I have been going to a few Open Mic nights around town and really enjoy the spotlight again. I guess that's enough for now. I'll do my very best to write more than twice a year. :o)

When is enough, enough?

Does the drama ever seriously end? Maybe I should have learned my lesson by now but instead I am just a target for drama. I am 25 years old and I have taken the position of babysitter for a 20 year old woman. I can’t figure this out. We have the same f*@king argument every time she drinks and the morning after I hear the same thing. I feel like a wife who gets slapped around by her husband but still sticks around the next morning to make him breakfast! When are the apologies not enough? I'm so much like my mother it scares me. I can't walk away from someone who I feel needs my help.
Have you ever seen the movie “The Mexican” with Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt? Well there is a scene when Julia Robert and her kidnapper have a conversation about her relationship with Brad Pitt. He asked her, “when two people really love each other but just can’t seem to get things right, when is enough, enough?” When do you give up? The correct answer is, never. Maybe that is true for the love of your life, but what about a best friend that you haven’t even known a full year? After the past few weeks I just don’t know anymore. I asked her last night what she would do if she were me...she had no answer. I can’t keep forgiving this behavior because it makes it is OK.

I know this is really vague but it would be unfair to share with you all my dirty laundry. If you do have any advice I would appreciate it.

I Know it Has Been Awhile

I guess we should go back to March when Jessi came to visit. She got a long really well with Jessica and Katie and the four of us had an awesome time. We went into Nashville a few nights and also just relaxed here at the apartment. It was nice to have a friend from home here.

Since then I've been working like a crazy person! My classes this semester give be a lot of busy work (which I hate) and my Copyright Law class has been really kicking my butt. I have a HUGE project due tomorrow in my Artist Management class. My group had to develop a career plan for a new artist that had to have a detailed plan for the first two years of her career. Our artist is Treva Blomquist, check her out. I'm really loving this project because I've learned a ton of information, and I think this might be just the career path for me!

One of my big sisters, AM, came to visit me last week. I can't tell you just how much I LOVED my time with her. I had her all to myself for four days and I just couldn't stop smiling.

She flew in Wednesday afternoon and we went to eat at Outback then just had a low key night with friends at the apartment. AM made up silly games to play and I felt like I was back in high school and I LOVED IT!

Thursday morning I had to go to class but when I got home AM and I went to the park with Bailey and took it easy for the afternoon. That night we went to dinner, which our lovely mother paid for, at this super cute restaurant on the square in Murfreesboro. After dinner we went downtown to my favorite bar and just enjoyed the music and each other.

Friday morning we got up just as early as we could (AM got up at 9:00 I couldn't get up until 11:00) and went to the Grand Ole Opry. We went into the museum there and just walked through the Opryland Mall. We couldn't stay long because I had to work at 5.

While I was at work AM watched movies and wrote a paper. When I finally got home we went to a local Bar & Grill and hung out with my friends from work.

Saturday morning I had to take her to the airport..I hate that part. Luckily I will be home in May. Next weekend I have another visitor! I can't wait.

Server Dreams!

I can tell that I've been working too much when I start having server dreams. My usual one is that I keep walking past all the tables that have menus but that I haven't had time to say hello to yet. Then I go back to the kitchen and it takes be 20 minutes to gets drinks for one table! I keep thinking "why is it taking me so damn long to get these drinks?" I feel my blood pressure raise and the temperature in the room increasing, then my manager comes up to me and says, "Bobbe, you know you have all the tables upstairs too right?"

If you haven't seen to movie Waiting you should really check it out especially if you have ever served before. There is a lot in that movie that is too close to the truth. Work last night really reminded me of it. A cook didn't show up for work so management was really pissy, steaks were being over cooked at almost every table and cook times in general were over 45 minutes. We had to comp off at least 5 tables entire meals and offer free desert to half a dozen other tables. It was just pure hell. I was closing and since it is spring break, all our older (better) servers are on vacation. Our very young staff tried hard, but there was yelling, crying, and lots of foul language. All we could do after work was grab a beer and laugh about how upset we get over tables that will be out of our lives in 45 minutes.

I was reading mommak's blog today and she said that she gave her bull shit instructor the middle finger during a warm-up exercise and it made me laugh. When I deal with a table that is just over the top rude, I usually find a way to put the check down, pick up dishes, or wrap up food with my middle finger just so slightly pointing in their direction!

Just a word of caution, it isn't smart to piss off someone who touches your food!

It's Been a Hard Weekend

I went through something this weekend I hope no one has to go through in their lifetime. A good friend of mine is suffering from depression and she is acting out in ways I will never understand. Her inward pain is so deep that she needs to inflict her pain outwardly. This cry for help was not ignored. Her mental recovery will be long and tedious but she is lucky to have so many people that love her and want what is best for her.
With her mother in town for a few days, my role as "deciding adult" is taken care of. It isn't on my shoulders anymore, I don't have to decide what is best for her, I get to be the friend that listens and provides a safe environment for recovery. I can't tell you how scared I was and now how relieved I am that I did the right thing and that she will be alright.

Where Do I Find the Time?

I've been working so hard to financially "stay afloat" that I barely have time to even sleep! Let me just fill you in on my typically week.

• Monday 7:30 a.m.- 2:30 p.m. teaching the Comets over at the day care. Come home and try to either walk, run, or do sit ups until it's time for my night class. Artist Management class from 6-9p.m. and then I come home and do homework until my eyes don't stay open anymore.
• Tuesday/Thursday 9:40- 11:00 a.m. I'm in Copyright Law class desperately taking notes. After that class I usually go home and do homework, clean, nap, or run errands. Then I'm back at school for my accounting class at 2:40 which is really a joke because I think I would get the same grade whether I went to class or not. After that torture I stay on campus and do home work for my night class. Tuesday nights I have Public Relations class and on Thursday nights I have Media Writing. Both classes require a LOT of writing.
• Wednesday/Friday 7:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. I'm back with the angels making paper puppets or cotton ball snow men. Once I leave there I usually ran home to change and go to Outback for job #2 of the day. I usually stay there until about 11 p.m. I, of course, crash the second I get home.
• Saturday and Sunday should be relaxing but not for me! I work a double both days and try to wake up early to squeeze in some homework.

Yes staying busy keeps me more focused, but it also runs me crazy! Spring break is in two weeks and I keep hearing about all the wonderful places everyone is planning to go. White sandy beaches and beautiful blue water....While I told me boss at the day care and Out back that I can work every day that week! :o( I'm hoping that I can make some extra money while everyone else is having a well deserved vacation. It will all pay off eventually...Right?

Stand Back Up

I know I put song lyrics on here all the time but I'm a musician and I can't help but see my life in songs. This song jumped out at me because I feel like there are people that don't expect me to make it out here. I feel like they support my efforts but they are just getting ready to console me when I run home with my tail between my legs. I don't care if I have to take out three loans and go into credit card debt, I'm not going home. And for those that find it easy to pick on a girl when she's down I only have this to say:

Artist/Band: Sugarland
Lyrics for Song: Stand Back Up
Lyrics for Album: Twice the Speed of Life

Go ahead and take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,

I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,

I may stumble, yeah I might fall, Only human aren't we all

I might lose my way, but hear me when I say, I will stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,

Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised, I've been kicked right off my shoes,

Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,

When the darkness tries to get me, Theres a light that just won't let me,

It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms, But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,

What don't kill you makes you stronger, When I take my last breath,

that's when I'll just give up, So,

go ahead to take your best shot, Let 'era rip, give it all you've got,

You might win this round but you cant keep me down,

cause I'll stand back up, And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,

Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when ive had enough,

Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,

But I'll stand back up.

She talks about darkness not getting her down. Darkness is her depression, her own ego and her fear. I won't let those things beat me either. Some days the fear of money gets to me so much that I literally freak out. I never even had a credit card until I got out of college because I didn't want to have debt. Now I'm seriously thinking about taking out another loan just so I don't have to work THREE jobs! Katie and I are already looking at much cheaper apartments for next year, hopefully that will help. I can finally turn in my in-state tuition request (had to be living here eight months first) so that's one more thing that should help.

I changed my room around today. For anyone that knows me that is a good sign. It is a "rebirth" and a huge effort to have a different outlook. My hands are still throbbing from moving my heavy bedroom furniture by myself. I was going to go to the gym this afternoon, but I think I've lifted enough for today!

My New Awesome Friend

Ms. Jessica is from Memphis, Tenn. and lives in the apartment complex in front of mine. I love it because I get to see her just about everyday. She and I met at Outback, she is a server as well, and we hit it off right away. Ever since I went back to work after Christmas we have been talking, and as of three weeks ago, we are inseparable. Bad news is, she will be moving back to Memphis this summer to finish dental school. I know she and I will do the best with the time we have, but I've started to lean on her so much when Katie, my roommate and only real friend, was highly involved with her band and was never here. This is a little bit about her.
"My name is Jessica, and I am 20 years old. I've lived in the 'Boro for a little over a year. I'm not taking any classes this semester, I'm working instead. I'm a pre-dental major, and I'll be done with school in 2012. I have a puppy named Camille, she's really sweet. A lot of work, but still sweet. I work at Outback Steakhouse as a server and Pottery Barn. My family still lives in Memphis, and I'm moving back there in June. The 'Boro is great, but I want to be closer to my family, and I have to go back for dental school anyway. I plan on tearing it up my last few months here! "

Last night she was my wine partner and we fell asleep watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Tonight I'm working for her so she can have a Valentine's date with her boyfriend. I hope you can check out her site and say a little hello.

Valentine's Day

I haven't met a man yet who has done Valentine's Day like the men in the movies do. I know it is a Hallmark holiday, but I still like it. I was supposed to have a dinner date last Saturday that was going to be close to a Valentine's date, but by the time he and I got together, it was past dinner time. Sunday night he met a few of my friends and I realized that there are some people that you just can't put in the same room together. Last night we had plans to see each other one last time before he went back on tour with Bon Jovi. I was excited to have a Valentine's date....but no. We watched Law & Order until he fell asleep around 11:30. I got a few hugs, but not even a kiss! I have to say I was disappointed. If I ever said anything to him about this he would just say, “well you could have taking any kisses you wanted.” He misses the point. I don’t want to have to take anything. Here is the question though. I know him well enough already to know that he is just the kind of guy that is really honest and doesn't play games. I would not have been there if he didn't want me there. BUT I also know myself well enough to know that that just isn't good enough! He and I joke about this. He said "How close do you expect a relationship to be to perfect?" I said "97%" Is that outrageous? Are my expectations just too high? Even though I know he cares about me and I know that in his mind things are right on course for a new relationship, but if he doesn't act or react the way I expect my "future husband" to, what do I do? He is older than me and won't change his ways and I don't have time to train him anyway. So does that mean I have to walk away? I always walk away. For once I'd like to actually just date and not over think all this! I guess I’m just not built that way.
It's fucking Valentine's Day and I got a shit load of candy, cards and even flowers from my comets (that's the name of the three year old room) but not even a "Happy Valentine's Day" from Bon Jovi guy. He does have a name, but I think he'd prefer if I didn't use it. I sometime feel bad for guys on this holiday, but I think it is really simple. Just get some flowers, a nice card and give her a damn kiss and you'll be set! Anything beyond that is awesome but not necessary. We just want to feel special! Girls do have some obligation today. My first long term boyfriend, Dave, and I started dating right before Valentine's Day so I couldn't get him anything really lovie dovie so I got him a six pack of beer with a red bow and Camel cigarettes attached to a card. He loved it! (What does that tell you about him??? )
Anyway I think we need to remember what this holiday is about. I asked my comets what we were supposed to do today and after a few very WRONG answers (which included dressing up like batman and blowing out candles on a cake) we finally got to the RIGHT answer. Today we are supposed to tell the people close to us that we love them and appreciate them. So, I love all of you that read my blog and truly care about my success out here. I really don't know if I would wake up some days without you. This is what this gay ass holiday should be about (but flowers would be nice too).

Week Three with the 3 year olds

Working with three year olds has proven to be very entertaining. In my class of 18 kids and just us two adults, things do tend to get a little crazy. Mondays are usually the worst since the kids have been at home and away from our rules. The percentage of time-outs is higher and nap time is usually extended due to bad behavior. By Friday though, the kids are sharing more, using their words to express feelings, and generally saying "thank you" and "excuse me." It is also very clear why I can't get over my cold.

On Monday, Nathan was in time-out at the teacher table. He was fake crying so we paid him no attention. Finally I did happen to look at him and I saw the most disgusting thing I think I may have ever witnessed. His head was inches away from the table and he was pulling long strings of snot out of his nose and making a pile of it on the table. When I called his name to get him to stop he looked up at me with snot falling out of his nose and gliding off his fingers. I nearly said "What the Hell are you doing you nasty kid?" but instead I calmly told him to get a tissue and never play with his snot again! I had to then clean him and the table.
If that wasn't enough, we have a delightful young girl named Nicole. I guess her parents have decided that verbal skills are not that important. All she knows how to do is point, grunt, and cry. We are constantly telling her to use her words to express her feelings because without them we can't help her. Well she woke up from her nap but stayed face down on her mat. She started crying and grunting but we had no idea what the problem was. Finally I picked her up to try to calm her down and I realized what the problem was. She had forgotten to get up to use the bathroom. This wasn't just number 1! So I had to find some clean clothes and clean her off. I was so grossed out. When my nieces were younger I had no problem changing even the dirtiest of diapers, but I guess since these kids are not related to me and since they are at an age that this shouldn't be an issue, I'm completely grossed out. Even when the kids call me in the bathroom to help them wipe after a messy number 2, I am somewhat disgusted. I guess this is motivation to not stay in childcare my whole life.
They do have their moments when they completely impress me though. Last Friday I was the head teacher and everything went so smoothly. We talked about manors and sharing. I complimented the kids whenever they did anything well and I wrote notes home to their parents about their successful day. When the afternoon teacher came to take my place, the kids all hugged me and said they loved me and would miss me. I left with a very big smile on my face. So this job has it's moments of disgust and pure love, but I still would never make this my full time career.

Life Isn't

Life isn't about keeping score.

It's not about how many friends you have

Or how accepted tou are.

Not about if you have plans thei weekend or if you're alone

It isn't about who you're dating, who you used to date, how many people you've dated,

or if you haven't been with anyone at all.

It isn't about who you have kissed,

It's not about sex.

It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have,

Or what kind of car you drive,

Or where you are sent to school.

It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are,

Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to.

It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown

Or if your skin is too light or too dark.

Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are,

Or how smart standardized tests say you are.

It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at "your" sport.

It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you."

LIFE JUST ISN'T

But, life is about who you love and who you hurt.

It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.

It's about keeping or betraying trust.

It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.

It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, .amybe heartening.

ABout starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.

It's about what judgments you pass and why.

AND WHO YOUR JUDGMENTS HURT

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Love vs. Companionship

I remember the first time I brought a boyfriend home to meet my grandmother. I was a sophomore in college and Dave had been my boyfriend for nearly eight months. Nana and I never got along when I was growing up, mainly because I had a temper and she wanted me to be just like my two skinny blonde sisters. But that day she sat me down and asked me if I was serious about this guy. At the time I really thought I was. She said to me that I was at an age that I needed to date a few men at a time. To her that means allow them to take me to dinner or a movie, but nothing physical. At the time I thought she was nuts. I wanted to have one boyfriend and not worry about it anymore. I didn’t want to look any longer. But she was right! Every man I have chosen to have a relationship with, whether long term or short, brought me closer to understanding myself and what I want in a future husband. I have been blessed to have remarkable men in my past and I hope they know what gifts they have brought to my life.

But relationships do end! There is a distinct moment when a decision must be made about the future of the relationship. When a couple first meets, they start to learn all the surface level information. Then they spend a tremendous about of time together because they are still learning, still laughing, and still wanting each other. Things haven’t become routine yet and there most likely hasn’t been a fight. But eventually you peel off a few more layers and either find a more wonderful partner, or you find what I call “red flags.” “Red Flags” are signs I’ve already learned from previous failed relationships. For example, being controlling, overly jealous, untrustworthy, unmotivated, negative or uninspiring. When I see these red flags I usually try to ignore them at first because they aren’t important enough to end a relationship over. Eventually though, those little things eat at you and multiply. Then you must be honest with yourself and your partner, and stop things before people get really hurt. That’s hard sometimes because the comfort and friendship is the hardest to give up. To not have someone to call before you go to bed every night, and to not have someone care when you get off work or even if you’re sick. Yes, it’s hard to give that up…but that’s not love….that’s companionship. I don’t know a cure for that except to busy yourself with things that make you proud of you. I speak from experience. I have put a man through hell, because I couldn’t let go of his friendship and he didn’t want to let go of his love for me. It wasn’t until recently that I finally told him he was right, that we couldn’t be friends. I hadn’t been fair to him and all I could do now was walk away and let him build a solid loving relationship with someone else. When we were in junior high we could remain friends with Ex-Boyfriends, but too much hope and trust is put into relationships at our age, and therefore it’s usually too painful to remain friends. My point in all this is that we can’t allow a partner to stay in our lives merely because we don’t want to be alone. Be honest with yourself and respect when others are doing the same.